How To Look Like You’re Not Losing It When You Are In Fact, Losing It

As I type this post I see how it follows the pattern of my life right now: a freestyle, a scalar entity with no particular direction in sight, running exclusively on vibes and the grace of the Lord.

I am ashamed to mention that since the last time I wrote, I let you guys down and gave in to the pressure. I signed up for some online classes. I am only human, a creature subject to influence. On the bright side, I haven’t actually started taking any of them, so in part I am staying true to my nature.

A lot of other things have happened since then. People have stopped wearing face masks, all my favorite shows have stopped airing, I have spent my entire life savings on mobile data and we’re still on lockdown with not the slightest idea when all this will be over.

What is this life? I will never forgive 2020.

I wonder if I’m just being dramatic, leaning in to my tendency to catastrophize and perhaps doing a lot better than I’m willing to admit? Or is my life falling apart and I’m ignoring the warning signs, failing to deal with issues and simply resorting to coping mechanisms?

I would say it’s the best of both worlds.

You could find me grooving with glee and dancing like a white girl to some EDM playlist regardless of the fact that an hour ago, I had just been having a mini-breakdown, sitting and staring into nothing, thinking about how my youth was wasting away before my very eyes.

I find myself in limbo, constantly swaying between losing it and holding it together. It’s like being at the edge, at the precipice of a mental breakdown but somehow never getting there, somehow managing to never completely lose my shit. Grasping on to the remnant of my sanity is an art I’m mastering and I have found a number of ways that help me do that.

I have been actively avoiding social media and the news because I know I’m skilled at escalating situations in my mind vividly. A few months ago I quit the Twitter temporarily, because the toxicity became potent and it was all starting to get noisy in my head. That decision has saved me and is still saving me. 

What the Twitter said to me.

I fill my days by watching light dramas and soulful sitcoms because the last thing I want to have is time to listen to myself. I’m currently seeing New Girl as well as rewatching Merlin, and for those thirty to fifty minutes of each episode, I forget that the world is particularly a more terrible place than it usually is. I also started watching The Office and my life has not been the same. It is amazingly ridiculous and I very much recommend.

The enigmatic Mr Michael Scott of The Office.

I have also been buried in books: Fiction. Poetry. Non-Fiction. Books have been saving us and will keep on saving us. I recently finished Bone by Yrsa Daley Ward and while I read it, I could literally feel the parts of my soul piecing back together. If you’re more into short stories, you could check out What Is Not Yours Is Not Yours by Helen Oyeyemi, it’s simply brilliant, as are all other books written by her.

I remember how at the start of this pandemic, I was fighting viciously to constantly stay happy, but now I have paused to wonder if being happy all the time is an unrealistic feat, and may even border on the suspicious. Now when the worry and anxiety comes, I consider them and when they’ve stayed a while ask them to take their leave. These are all part of the normal scale of human emotions and what am I if not human? It should be okay to feel other things. It must be.

I think we are all at risk to lose it, some people more than others, especially in perilous times like this. Perhaps life is an exercise in finding the balance, in finding your limbo, in figuring out how to lose it without quite losing it.

If you’ve not found your balance in a world that is not so kind and gentle, I’m here to remind you that simply being here, being present is enough. 

You are still here and that matters.

That is enough.


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