Life

This Is Probably Why You’re Still Single

Though we are already behind schedule (because there is so much to say), let me start by mentioning that being single can be one of the best things ever.

For the longest time, I did not understand what all the fuss about being cooped up with another human being was, as it seemed like a lot of stress, which I am highly averted to, in all forms and types. Having dabbled in a couple of things, I’ll admit that having your own person can be kind of cool.

If you’re single by choice I completely understand it. This is for the other half of the population, who aren’t single by choice.

Now, if you fall under this category, dearly beloved, please relax and take a deep breath. This is not an attack on your person but you know what they say about the shoe fitting and all that. I am not after you, I am merely a vessel, a pencil in the hand of the creator. Here are a few reasons why you are still a sole pringle:

1. A Closed Mouth is a Closed Destiny

I know no one wants to be taken for an idiot in these unkind streets, but we are all grown-ups and you need to be honest with yourself. At some point, you need to state what you want and stop hovering or hiding under the auspices of friendship. The worst that will happen is that the subject of your affection will say no and do you think the world will stop for that? Don’t be ridiculous.

You have this friend who you’ve realized you want to be more than friends with, but yet you stall and stall, or worse still, offer relationship advice.

At what point are you going to tell her you like her? When she’s married with two kids? You think this is Americanah or When Harry Met Sally? Life is not a movie oh.  You better open your mouth and start a conversation in that direction.

2. Break in Transmission

I know this is real life and things are hardly ever 100%, but I like to hit as close that mark as possible. This means I leave a lot of deceased talking stages in my wake.

Picture this. We start talking, you have expressed romantic interest in me and now we’re getting to know each other. We’re texting every day, feeling each other’s vibes, and you seem like a kind gentleman. But every so often, you go a couple of days without texting, or even worse…leave me on read, for a week.

You mean you could go for more than 24 hours without talking to me and you could eat and digest meals? You might as well go a lifetime. Disappearing without notice and rearing your head again after a few weeks when I post a cute pic is just not going to cut it. I’m gonna need to see some effort bro.

Which kind of laziness is that? Where is the focus? The consistency? The tenacity?

It’s the laziness and inconsistency for me.

3. Moving to a group of friends at the same time.

Re: absence of focus aforementioned.

Of all the people in the world, you choose to talk to a group of friends…at the same time.

What exactly is your plan? What do you think is going happen? I’m not saying you’re going to die alone or anything but let’s just say if you fail to repent, you’re going to be scouring the earth for a spouse for a while. You’re visibly lacking in morals and you need to do better.

4. A Lil Skin

We just started talking and this is the beginning when we’re all supposed to be on our best behavior and few days in you’re asking me to send pictures, something with a little skin. Are you…possessed?

A little advice: what you should aim for, is for her to get comfortable enough with you, to a point where she sends you pictures unsolicited. Enough said.

5. Just a Friend

So, you have a friend who you’ve known for a while, who’s good to you and constantly shows up for you. He finally does the unimaginable and expresses romantic interest. To be honest, you also feel more than platonic affection for him, yet you turn him down. You claim your reason is because ‘you can’t imagine being together with your friend’.

But you can imagine a future with that emotionally unavailable guy who liked all your pictures abi? I pity you. I have said my own. This isn’t Love, Rosie.

I’m going to have to stop the session here because my time is up. I leave you with the wise words of my distant uncle Barack Obama: ‘He that is looking for the expiry date on Agege bread is not worthy of being called hungry.’

Think on these things.

Stay blessed.

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